TED Talks · Am I Normal

What makes a friendship last

I've moved about 20 times in my life. And each time that I move to a new neighborhood,

Level: B2 · 73 sentences

Transcript

1. I've moved about 20 times in my life.
2. And each time that I move to a new neighborhood,
3. a new city, a new country,
4. it seems to get harder and harder to sustain the friendships that I left behind.
5. But right now, sustaining those friendships seems especially important and especially difficult.
6. So I'm wondering, what is manageable?
7. How can I keep those friendships afloat without getting overwhelmed?
8. To find out, I turned to my two most trusted sources,
9. Data and my mum.
10. Now, since she hates being on camera,
11. this puppet is going to be as good as it gets.
12. But before she weighs in, I wanted to look at the studies
13. on how friendships fall apart in the hopes
14. that I might be able to avoid some of those pitfalls.
15. According to one study,
16. friendships often dissolve because of a lack of opportunity to meet,
17. hang out, and connect.
18. Which might explain why after a year of isolation,
19. some of my friendships feel like they're hanging on by a thread.
20. That same researcher made headlines with the finding that we lose
21. half of our friendships every seven years.
22. Now, before you start doom scrolling through your contact list,
23. you should know that's not quite as severe as it sounds.
24. Over those seven years,
25. the size of our friendship group actually stays pretty stable.
26. So if you have 20 or 30 good friends now,
27. seven years later, you'll still probably have 20 or 30 good friends.
28. The catch, though, is that 52% of those faces will be different.
29. Over seven years, we will replace many of the people in our network with new ones.
30. As someone who has had to work more and more from home,
31. the opportunity to go out and make new friends is pretty limited.
32. It's a luxury I don't often have.
33. And the research on the formation of new friends suggests that this takes time.
34. A lot of time.
35. A recent study found that you have to spend between 40 and 60
36. hours with someone before they can go from an acquaintance to a casual friend.
37. They get upgraded to a fully-fledged friend at around 80 to 100 hours,
38. and get elevated to a best friend after you spend at least 200 hours of quality time together.
39. And the emphasis here is on quality time.
40. You might say hi to a barista every morning or be polite to a coworker,
41. but you wouldn't necessarily invite either one over for dinner.
42. I was feeling a little bit daunted by all of these numbers
43. until I spoke to my mum,
44. who has a more optimistic take on all of this.
45. A friendship is essential in your life.
46. How does a friendship start?
47. The first thing is to know that person.
48. If you don't want to know these people,
49. if you don't open a window of communication,
50. you will never become friends of them.
51. You have to start.
52. If you want to be isolated,
53. you just shut your windows and look at them and they don't look at you.
54. Okay, so yes, if I really,
55. really want to make a new friendship,
56. I could go out and make the effort to make a new friend by, say,
57. knocking on my neighbor's door who plays...
58. really good music a bit too loudly,
59. but what about my current crop of friends?
60. Are we all doomed just because we don't get the chance
61. to hang out like we used to?
62. I think yes, with the friends, the distance get further and further
63. if you are not meeting them.
64. But it also shows you the ones that they don't disappear
65. because of the time or the distant.
66. They will be there for you if you need them.
67. So the special friends, and this difficult time shows you who cares
68. and who is a good person or a good friend.
69. I think she's right.
70. I don't think there's a magical formula or mythical number of hours to chase.
71. This just takes time and effort.
72. So if you'll excuse me,
73. I have a good friend that I need to call.